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APPLICATION WARNING: PLEASE MEET MIA. SHE IS A 5-YEAR-OLD "DORGI," AND HUMANITY IS CURRENTLY ON PROBATION.
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We are just going to lay the cards on the table. Mia was abandoned at a groomer. Someone dropped her off for a blowout, never came back, and Mia spent the day smelling like lavender shampoo while realizing her family was trash. Because of this, Mia has transitioned into her Villain Era, and frankly? We support her.
She has
ABSOLUTELY ZERO FUCKS TO GIVE.
She is physically built like a low-riding baked potato, but mentally operates like a retired mob boss who is heavily protected by the Witness Protection Program.
Mia’s life goals are simple, elegant, and completely non-negotiable:
Peace.
Love.
A high-quality split Elk antler to aggressively chew on while you work from home.
Hugs, kisses, and belly rubs strictly on HER timeline.
Do not try to force your emotional agenda onto Mia. She is an independent contractor. If she wants a belly rub, she will flip onto her back and request an audience with you. If she does not, please respect her boundaries, or she will look at you with the profound disappointment of a mother whose adult child just told her they are dropping out of law school to become a professional mime.
We need to discuss her indoor/outdoor transit policy because Mia does not "request" things. She issues executive orders.
OUTDOORS:
She will politely ask to go outside into her MANDATORY FENCED YARD.
INDOORS:
She will DEMAND to come back inside.
If you do not open that door the exact millisecond she decides the Washington rain has offended her, God help your soul. Open the door immediately, and nobody gets hurt.
MIA’S "PREFERRED CUSTOMER" ELIGIBILITY CHECKLIST:
❌
ONLY WOMEN ARE DEEMED WORTHY.
Mia has looked at the data and decided men are a design flaw. She naturally prefers women and wants to be a fiercely loyal shadow to a single woman. If you are a man applying for Mia, please don't. She will judge you.
CATS ARE DINNER.
This is not a drill. Absolutely no felines. Mia views them as a high-protein menu option, not roommates.
DOGS ARE A NUISANCE.
Mia has zero interest in making canine friends. She does not want a buddy; she does not want a pack; she wants to be the solitary queen of her castle.
THE SPA POLICY.
Despite her rough exterior, Mia has the
silkiest, most luxurious coat
you’ve ever felt. She knows she looks spectacular and likes to be kept prim, proper, and beautifully groomed. However,
DO NOT TOUCH HER NAILS
if you do not hold a professional degree in canine cosmetology. Attempting a rogue nail trim will result in Mia instantly vanishing under the bed with her Elk antler clutched to her chest like a weapon of self-defense. Leave the paws to the pros.
READ THE MANUAL.
Because she is highly protective of her kingdom, she thinks everyone she doesn't know is an assassin.
Senior Dogs & Friends Rescue
provides a literal step-by-step introduction guide to help her warm up to strangers. You will follow it, and you will use the treat-testing tips, or Mia will fire you.
Also, a quick note for delivery drivers, neighborhood solicitors, and anyone brave enough to approach the property:
Go ahead. Bang on the front door like a boss.
See what happens. Because the real boss inside is 25 pounds of pure, low-to-the-ground fury, and she will make you rethink every single life choice that led you to her porch.
Mia has an adoption fee of
$395
, is spayed, and is fully vetted. You don't own Mia; you just pay the mortgage on her house, manage her security detail, and provide the antlers.
